I was thinking about movies today, and I remembered that favourite question: "What is your favourite movie"? In truth, I never had, and believe will never have A favourite movie. Because there are far too many out there, and it really depends on my mood. So I thought about sharing a list of movies that I really love, for one reason or another...

In no specific order other than my own head:

1. Donnie Darko



Because of the constant: "HOLY CRAP I LOVE THAT SONG! AND THAT ONE! AND THAT ONE"
And the creepy 80's goodness

2. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom



Do I really have to explain? Sexy History teacher, old temples, and bloody villains? Hello??????

3. American Beauty



Because the beginning just killed me. And I find it oddly familiar. And I could watch that rose petals scene over and over and over

4. La Reine Margot



Apart from the frontal male nudity goodness (i believe was the first adult one I actually saw without being out of the creepy biology book), french movies are cool. And bloody white dresses are just plain cool.

5. Velvet Goldmine



Time to get out of the closet. MOM, I LIKE GAY SEX STORIES. Well, I still have to get out of the closet, and I will never forget that "forbidden fruit" I saw hidden on my parents living room, terrified my mom would catch me... Heavens... This is embarrassing.

6. The Last of the Mohicans



Because inside of me there is this romantic girl that secretly likes a good tragedy. And any movie that can make me cry gets an extra point.

7. Dune



Because of David Lynch goodness. *slobber*

8. Blade Runner



Have I actually mentioned I am not a sci-fiction fan?



OMG, CAN I HAS?

9. Ghost in the Shell



WTF, whatßs up with the sci-fi today? <.< Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. Was the first Anime per se I ever saw. As in, movie. I had consumed series my whole childhood, but a movie... for adults? WOW

And that beguinning song. I wish it would never end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6aqDZW1BUM

AWSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME

*plays again*

10. Hotel Rwanda



Because inside of me there is a cold hearted bitch that doesnt give a crap about the wars of this world. Because she was shocked to beyond words of the images of the dead bodies floating on the rivers of Rwanda when she was only 13 years old. And seeing those images and how they so did not affect those around me (to the point of just skipping the topic and going directly to sports news), made me loose faith in human kind 16 years ago. This movie made me cry honestly. And that beats anything else.



You don't know these movies? You never saw them? Go get them! They are worth your time.

I have found the wonders of drawing a half naked female body...

It's been 2 years since I moved to Switzerland.

In 2008 I had the worse, most depressing, horrible birthday possible and imaginable. Apart from being forgotten by 90% of my family, I was forgotten by 100% of Thomas family (including his own father with whom I was living at the time), my grandmother and grandfather had died a couple of months before, my mother had found possible malevolent schist in her ovaries, my computer had crashed the previous day, and only solution was to buy a new one with money I did not have, I was refused rudely by all the architecture offices I went to politely deliver my CV and Portfolio, had nothing to eat at home with the exception of mustard out of validation for 8 years and old bread, weather sucked as hell, had no friends to talk to, no will to draw, no money to go to the cinema or even buy food, and no husband to hug because he was forced to stay in Dresden until his contract run out.

It's been 2 years. And I can't believe it.

The weather still sucks, but computer is looking sharp, have a job I am quite enjoying, have my own nice and clean apartment, a full fridge, a half naked husband lying in my white pig leather sofa, and slowly starting to draw again.

When I look back I cannot but wonder how I managed to go get up that day, pay the freaking 37 CHF to get to Zürich and still smile as the people slamed their door after screaming on my face that they are not interested in Ausländer.

I got a Pentax for my Birthday this time. But the best present I could ever got was the possibility of moving forward. Of seeing that even if they made me believe it year after year, I don't suck, I am not an ugly horrible person that does not deserve a chance in life.

I feel so renewed and thankful for everything, that having the Pope mass of Fatima in the background for lunch (went to a Portuguese restaurant for lunch) made me concentrate very sharply on the tasty steak to try to avoid crying of emotion. Because one day I asked for these blessings I am getting. And somehow I still can't believe I was allowed to have them.

Though the majority of the people I know embrace Spring with all their hearts, I am slightly scared of it. Spring for me has always been the epoch of contradiction.

When the weather started warming up around Easter, it was time for the exams for the end of the 2nd Period. And according to Portuguese school tradition, it would pretty much set the "mood" for your final grade in June. That means I spent my time at home, trying to press my brains to the limit by studying and memorizing hundreds of pages for 8 different disciplines.

But at the same time I saw the girls in my class enjoying themselves, dressing up like little Surf Princesses (that was the fashion at the time), and doing nothing but lying in the concrete benches in school under the cold sun, flickering their hair with their overexcited hands (I guess they still hadn't learned what to do with those weird limbs), to try to capture the attention of boys.

Nowadays, though I have no more exams to study to (thank you, 'coz my brain would overflow with the completly useless information), as I go into the cold sunny day with my IPod set on high for Rock me Amadeus (only the 80's can get me out of bed), I still have problems in understanding spring and the weird creatures that wake up after the snow has melted.

For example, the teenage girls that wear those tiny silky blouses, and those horrid semi-transparent black pantyhose very fashionable here in Zürich (Heavens know why, specially among the women with very large hips, and buldging butts). I'm standing in the sun with my winter coat on, and wondering how the hell the girls handle the cold in the name of Fornication (I've been seeing far too many Sarcasm Movies). And as I doubt my own capacity to handle the cold outside Portugal, because for certain, I am just a weakling, I see in the daily newspaper: "Zürich - 3.6°C" and repeat to myself "You are not crazy. It is THAT cold". But still secretly envy them for being able to wear a silk blouse (which I love) with this temperature.

Or for example those over-make-up-barbie-dolls that I so often see coming out of the bus and train. They look like tiny imitations of Paris Hilton, with their tiny steps on 12 cm high heels, their bleeched blond hair, and their extreme usage of make up that make them look like 45 year old women trying to pretend to be 20 (even though they are in fact 20). I do honestly admire these women: though I love high heels, I just can't wear them specially when I know I have to use public transportation and walk for more that 10 minutes. I would not find it weird to see these spring bears in Zürich Centre, among the shops of Prada and Channel around 12h-16h... But at 7h30 in the morning in a tiny village like Wald, going into the direction of the supermarket or whaterver store they work on, I kinda wonder what the hell is going on. The contradicton is that the people that I see going to office buildings, with their architecture or engeener degrees, look like beaten up zombies. Shouldn't it be upside down? Office workers being fresh from their 9 to 5 jobs? I wish I had the capacity to dress up pretty in the morning. I pass by two schools on the way to work and the kids seem to be afraid of me, probably because I look like a zombie, dressed up with whatever shirt i managed to find in the cupboard without opening my eyes (praying it had no stains on it).

This Spring has been the weirdest contradiction of them all. After being fired last May, and spending 6 months being beaten, despised, told I am not good enough, psycologically tortured by over 150 denials of jobs, I had last week to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I had 3 offices fighting with each other to take me. The whole situation seemed so alien to me, I constantly had the impression something is very very wrong, that there is something fishy in here, and that for sure they only want to hire me to tell me 1 week afterwards that it was all a joke, and I suck and I am fired.

I filled my resignation letter in this office yesterday and I am starting a new job in May, on a bigger firm. It really pains me to do it, because I owe this office my self-esteem. They pulled me out of the mud, and showed me that not all offices are made of 99.9% assholes. But I do not work 100%, and we run out of comissions. And though I like the boss a lot, I still need to think about my Curriculum. I tried to make it very clear that I am extremly thankful for the oportunity he gave me, and that I really loved to work with him. I think he understood, but seeing the look of sadness and disapointment in his face kinda killed me.

It was by far the greatest contradiction I ever had to face in any spring of my life. A boss that is sad because I am leaving. Somehow Spring still brings that hope all religions in these world loved to imbue in the renewing of plant life.

Don't you just love those pretty Easter pictures, of little rabbits and tiny chicks happily jumping in the soft green grass of a warm Spring day?

*Life bitch slap*

I woke up this morning to -5ºC, and 5 cm of snow. Hurray...

New pictures:
 

Yesterday, as I was picking up the laptop cable of Thomas' computer, I was greeted by a gigantic furry fat disgusting spider (gigantic on a Arachnophobe Western European ranging around 7 cm length while not squished). And as usual, had to dream the whole night about Antique Stores covered in thick veils of spider silk, so cluttered and with such small doors that I was forced to walk around bended so low, I had to see the thousands of spiders of all sizes and colours right in front of my nose.

I love snakes, have nothing against rats (speaking of which, how are you babies jo_mako ?), but please keep those spiders away from my life. One stupid Arachnid is enough to ruin my mood for the whole week.
 

Sketches




 

So, some asked what I have been doing in these last months since I got unemployed, and shortly afterwards disappeared...

Well, I collected refusals to my job applications, with reasons as varied as "no, because you are a foreigner", "no, because you are a woman" and my all time favourite "hell no, you are a foreigner AND a woman".

Out of desperation I went to the unemployment agency, and got kicked out because I have an University Degree. Appparently the Unemployment Agency is a privilege of the uneducated. There was even a little funny incident... Were not Thomas with me to hold me back, I would probably in jail right now, for eating the U.A. woman... As I delivered my papers, I had crossed "University Degree, in Portuguese University". The freaking bastard wanted to cross then the option "Ungelernt", as in "not learned", because since I studied in Portugal, that horrible third world country, for sure the diploma is not recognized in Switzerland... Just as a side note: Switzerland has now implemented the Bologna treaty in their Universities. The psychologists are completely overbooked, because the swiss students cannot handle the pressure, schedule, and quantity of disciplines now implemented... But we still have to hear "Europeans must be really stupid!!! They need 6 years to study something that a Swiss does in 2 years".

Aaaaaaaanyway...

Went to India in August.

 

I really enjoyed it. We had planned for this trip pretty much since we met... We went to Madrass and Bengalore. I loved the colours, the weather, the landscape, the refreshing new culture, and the fact that I finally got to see some of those temples I was endlessly teased by films and series I adored as a child.

The food was... well... how to put this... As long as I have rice and fruit I survive. We ate some really gorgeous fresh fish in Madrass, but since we were stricktly forbidden to eat meat the whole trip and Bengalore is in the middle of the country: OMFG!!!!!! I had to survive on vegetarian dishes in Bengalore! I was never so hungry as my stay in there ARGH! And to add to it, they mostly had very spicy food (even the mild was umbearable for this softy) i barely ate anything.

As soon as we got back to Madrass I hate 2 huge whatever fish and 2 tons of flat bread, leaving the whole travelling group wondering how I fit so much food inside this tiny belly...

In the beguinning I was afraid of being schocked by the poverty of the country, or whatever preconception, but truth is, its kinda hard to explain, I tried to do as I was told by other indians, accepting the poverty as a part of the whole, and not somethign that needs to be cut away with a sharp knife, and I kinda managed to do it... Still feel bit guilty, but I cant pretend to be Mother Teresa, coz I am defenitly not the type for it...

While traveling around, we went on tons of highways... And though I thought at the time "OMG OMG WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE", I went a couple of months afterwards to Rome and got to see that compared to Italians, everyone drives wonderfully...

Got to paint my working room wall in a strong will to continue doing some art



Still doing some silly comics for FFXI, but since I kinda stopped having any feedback, I got tired of being the entertainer slave and also stopped that...

Spent couple of months trying to cheer up a 31 year old friend that keeps on acting like a child. And as any child, he just wants to suck the attention from anyone he can see, in a absolute selfish, self-centered way. I have to constantly play the nice happy person that cheers him up, and deals with his constant threats of killing himself. Everyday a new adventure. Knowing him well enough to know what is on his mind, I know this is a play for a desperate grasp for a mother figure that he actually never had, to get the childish attention of getting everyone so worried they think of nothing but him. But one day we gonna have the boy who cried wolf, and even us who have handled this situation for almost an year, are gonna give up on the kid. He actually does not want to kill himself, but all the other options he tried before (as the harmless i could use a cheer up, passing to the next phase of "unententionally" making a dodo in his finger, then going to the "little accident" with hot metal on his foot) did not give him as much effect as a threat on his life. But me myself going throughout a very dark phase, I, who is usually quite patient, am completly loosing it. I hate children, always did, probably will keep on hating all that are not mine, exactly because I have no patience for self-centered crying balls of flesh that cannot handle 5 minutes of not being the centre of attention. And I feel like I am being poked in tiny increases of pain, to check until when I am able to hold it together.

Tried to tell him to get to a doctor, because he is probably, among other things, possibly going through a depression. And I know what that is because I went though one myself. But then I have to deal with the cries of "you all tell me the same thing, you just want to get rid of me", so he gets some extra attention juice of people feeling guilty of trying to push him to do something against his will.

Adding to it, he got 2 other friends that implincitly make it heard that I don't do as much as I should for him, and have to hear their self-important advises on life, because they are perfect, all knowing, couple that is unemployed for 3 years, with 2 kids, living on the social money from the German State, doing nothing but playing an online game, but still think they can look over everyone and reduce them to little kinds that need a lesson.

Patience at the moment: 0

Happy things...

Working on next comic book. Don't know how long its gonna take to produce some samples, but at least the idea and will is there.

Enjoying my work at the moment, even though I am working on a basement with basically no natural light.

Friend getting married in June, and going to Portugal to see the whole family, the sea, the sun, and get finally my toes on hot wet sand.

Drinking a wonderful black tea at the moment. Nothing best in the morning.

Man, I really needed to vent...

 

I miss you all. I hope you are all doing well, and you all have gotten some nice things from life.

I miss Kirsten. I got shocked back to life when one day I had a horrible nightmare in which I got a call telling me that Kirsten had been killed. On that same week I saw an episode of House where they state that "(...) because in 2004 there are no more Duran Duran fans" and i remembered Tpod. Then got my CD collection out, and while looking into Counterfeit cover I remembered Tsubaki comment "Don't be sad Dave. Martin has a better voice, but its all about the way you move, babe".

One week later I am here in Livejournal trying to put some lost pieces of my life together. There are some squares of tissue missing, and I would like to sew them back up...

Are you all still out there?