Helm's Journal

helm@sapo.pt — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:11:46 GMT

Though I have been already fired in the end of April, I, by contract, am allowed to work one more month. That means till the end of May I will work in this office, till I am definetily kicked out.

I was allowed to participate in the Company trip of this year, which was this weeken. We went to Italy, and I finally got the chance to make the others recognize my existence, demolish the idea that I am a stupid annoying foreigner that doesn't talk to no one. I got to make people friend me.

We got home yesterday. Today the Protocol of the Office, containing the latest news, was sent. In it was writen that I will no longer be working with the office after May. It was writen nicely enough to not look like I was fired, but instead gave the dubious look of maybe I fired myself.

Until today I foolishly nurtured a hope to keep in the office. Therefore I continued my work best as possible, and I think the morrons that decided to fire me, got a bit surprised because they realized that some of the reasons for the firing (like the fact that I apparently cannot do detailed sections, argument based on the single section I did at the scale of 1:20 that was done in 30 minutes before a meeting) are not 100% true.

With the Protocol I got the last slap in the face. I am not staying. Final. I actually dealt quite well with the fact, possibily because I had 15 days to actually digest it, anger myself, think suicidal and them homicidal, and finally accepting the fact.

What I was not counting on, and drove me to tears, was the friendly concerned talk that two of my collegues directed at me. They were surprised about the fact, and tried to confort me, without me actually event asking for it.

I have been for so long without friends, it was a shock to realize I might have done some.

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:51:57 GMT

Great...

Spiders Getting Bigger -- Global Warming to Blame?

Nice that they write this one down: "On the bright side—at least for arachnophobes—cannibalism is common in many spider species." Yummi...

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 11:22:15 GMT

Excuse me, what?

Intelligent Design

55% of the American population does not believe in the theory of evolution. o.0 And they even have a huge discussion about what to teach in science classes?

Man, the same book that says we were made in the image of God, says that he didn't populate the Earth with Angels because (OMG!) they don't learn/ evolve due to the fact that they are perfect... Though I do have some objections to the Humans learning theory, is it that difficult to read the theory of evolution in the Bible? As in, we share the same genes as God, but we are not his clones? That he created us to learn/ evolve onto his perfect form?

On other grounds, it seems that since I lost my job, I have become irresistable. This week I was stopped by two different men next to my work, who wanted to exchange pleasentries, one of which I only got rid of when I mentioned I was married. Have I mentioned I have extreme self-confidence problems, and I find myself ugly? Well, someone up there (God, Zeus, Gaia, Budha, Shiva, the Ancients or whoever it is) seems to be trying to cheer me up... Pity the courtmen are in their 40's and defintely not my type, the Italian being a typical blackhaired family business Italian guy, the American being just... well... not my type?

And I am married? <.<

WTF?

I was not even wearing my typical mini skirt because of the shity weather/ shity mood?

helm@sapo.pt — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:26:22 GMT

Following my previous post, I thought I was completly crazy on my own... Even though I have a depression family/ own history, no one seems really to understand why such thoughts would be hitting someone "like me".

Here is a nice one:

Government analysis of the figures, for the tenth year consecutive in which suicides have remained above 30,000 mark, has exposed a series of new and troubling trends: people in their thirties are the most likely to kill themselves, and work-related depression is emerging as a prime motive.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article4170649.ece

Good Heavens... I am not alone. Maybe I ought to join the Mormons and run away from society...

helm@sapo.pt — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:22:20 GMT

Happy news: I get to have a whole paid holiday for May. Bad news: I get to be unemployed starting June.

I have just been fired with the grounds that I suck as an Architect.

I had some slight suicidal thoughts crossing my mind.

Untitled

helm@sapo.pt — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:39:46 GMT

Having some fun... I know my English is not gorgeous, but I can still have some fun, right?

Introduction

Once upon a time, on a land not so far away, an old widowed Marquis died. Arragements were made to ensure that his son, at the time studying in Paris, and his daughter, still living with her now deceased father, as well as the young mistress, under which, rumors say, the old marquis died, would get a part of his wealth to ensure their future. What that future would be, was left for the three to decide by themselves.

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:09:59 GMT

How do you tell your collegue that the fact that she constantly chews her chewing gum like a ruminant animal, annoys the freaking hell out of me...

Lost thoughts

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 10:11:38 GMT

I don't know why, but after going through a lot of sites Tsubaki has been posting in the last months, I got myself lost in my own thoughts... I have concluded I am a threat to myself and to the rest of the world. I am a bad threatning human being that doesn't fit in any organized drawer (like fascist, catholic, white, rich, or dumb) with the exception of the "freak-of-nature-keep-distance" shelf.

---------

When I was 6 years old, forced to copy a map of Europe with its frontiers and colourful countries, I wanted to abolish the frontier between East/ West Germany because I did not understand/ accept the idea of a country divided by two.

Does that make me a revolutionary?

When I was 8 years old, my favourite band was Depeche Mode, and 2 of my favouite songs where allegories/ euphemisms to the effects of drug abuse.

Does that make me a junky?

When I was a teenager, I hated girls, and wanted to play only with the boys because I did not understand the concept of "living your life solemnly to the purpose of flirting/ getting to be the first one to be laid, and brag to all the other girls that you are way more sexy than them".

Does that make me a fundamentalist Christian because I didn't care about sex, or a slut because I was 90% of the time with boys?

When I was 14 years old, I got my first Journalism shock: the killing in Ruanda. I pretty much stopped reading news after that because I could not endure the exploit of the media of the Hecatomb images to the sole purpose of entertainment.

Thas that make me illeterate? Does that make me a pansy?

Since I can remember, I have rage attacks towards people who oppress me, and I calm myself down by imagining myself spoiling in their blood.

Does that make me a serial-killer?

I own 5 Gigas of Porn, 80% of with is gay.

Does that make me a pervert?

I hate Tapiez and I think Miro should have kept away from his brushes and stick to skulptures...

Does that make me a bad artist?

I hate Harry Potter.

Does that make me a unhappy/ perturbed child?

When I was 16, I read the whole bibliography of Dostoievsky and Oscar While, on a row, and I LOVED IT.

Does that make me a freaky pedophile or a pervert Lesbian?

I always hated books/ movies/ cartoons in which the Good Hero wins and the Evil dies. Greek Mythology FTW.

Does that doom me to become a dictator?

I love to write/ read stories about ~~Vampire~~ ~~Homosexual~~ rape scenes.

Does that mean I have the desire to be raped, or that I agree that rape should be accepted as a good thing?

I don't own a television since 4 years, and do not intend to buy one.

Does that mean I don't give a shit about the world and that I a selfish bastard daughter-of-a-bitch that doesn't even want to know about ~~the new dog of Obama~~ ~~the murder X in town Y~~ ~~how the rich daughter is spending her money~~ ~~how politicians are corrupt~~ ~~everywhere~~ the rest of Humanity?

I like Role Playing Games, in which I usually end up having a Lustful relationship with someone else other than my husband.

Does that make me a bad/ unfaithful wife?

helm@sapo.pt — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:11:33 GMT

Parents coming for the first time to my home. My parents never saw any of my homes. That means they have never seen what I am outside their wing.

I have until the 7th to get things ready. That also means getting the house to not look like ~~it belongs to someone with no time to tide up~~ ~~it belongs to someone who is playing far too much FFXI~~ ~~it belongs to a saw-in-law that really doesnt do much of house work~~ a pig hole.

List of things for me to do this weekend:

- Tide up

- Kitchen
- Bedroom
- Office
- Thomas Room
- Living Room
- Bathroom
- Dinning Room

Washing

- Carpets
- Balck clothes
- White clothes

Working

- Sketches for the office monday morning
- Fix boxes to the wall
- Fix painting lamp to the wall
- Correct shelf in the sleeping room

FUUUUN

- Sky 18h Saturday
- Dynamis Jeuno 18h30 Sunday
- Level SAM to at least 23

PAAAAAAAANIC

I might just blow all up and see Donnie Darko again today.

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 07:02:58 GMT

I guess only people that play FFXi will get it, but at least I post it...

Me angry... >=(

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 06:48:10 GMT

I am in a very foul mood today. I got into another fight with Thomas (again), i am being forced out of my working place because of no clearer reason but the fact that someone wants my window seat (and i am being kicked to a windowless place), i am tired, and I feel like everything I do is either not really appreciated or pretty much downgraded.

I recovered my appetite (I actually bought a Berliner today, and have been eating about 3 pears in the evening), but I still feal very deserted.

Babies and Salads

helm@sapo.pt — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 11:07:48 GMT

There are two things that shock/ scare people around me. No, it is not the fact that I am stubborn as a mule. It is not the fact that I am easily enraged. It is not my loath for politics or religious topisc.

Prepare yourselves...

The reasons why I shock people:

1 - I hate children

Supposedly, since I am a married 27 (turning 28 in less than 2 months) year-old woman, I should have already contributed to the world population increase a couple of years ago. The fact that I do not have a stable home, the fact that I do not have a stable financial situation, and all together the fact that I hate children, seems to not get into the head of the people. I keep hearing things like:

- Are you afraid of the birth itself? When you see the smile of the baby, you will forget all your pains.
R.: My reaction to my new-born cousin was "Mom, he looks like a skinned rat". Do these people live in fairy tales, or am I just too sceptic to really believe that a kid smile will make you forget the fact that you passed another human being throughout your vagina, which has a 70% chance of tearing, and if you have a family history of long painful recovery, it might just scare the shit out of you?

- Your husband is earning well, so why dont you dedicate yourself to motherwood?
R.: "Excuse me, WHAT? Do I not have the right to pursue my dreams, to conquer professionally what I always dreamed of? Should I really give up all my mother-painfully-paid education, raise a child, and then secretly hate the kid because it robbed my opportunity to pursue a profession"?

- There are lots of professional successful mothers out there!
R.: "Which was the part of the "I don't like children" that escaped your understanding?"

- You know, the clock is ticking. The longer you delay the birth, the more chances you have to not being able to have a child/ getting a disabled child.
R.: Excuse me, WHAT? Last time I checked my ID, it said "born in 1981". That gives me fairly up to 2030 to be able to get a child naturally. Statistics say the normal age in Europe for a 1st child is 35. And since fucking when did we start beieving again that the sole role/ reason of existance of a woman in this earth is to procriate?

- Don't you feel your mother instinct tinggling when you hear a child crying? Don't you just feel like holding her in your arms?
R.: The only thing I feel tinggling is my raging instincts to pick up the kid and smash it agaisnt the wall. Specially when they are about 5-6 years old, when 70% of the crying is just pure spoiling of the kid.

So there, did I shock you? It gets better. The second reason why I shock people is... prepare yourselves... I hate salads.

- But they are so healthy!
R.: There are other healthy things that taste much better...

- How will you keep your shape if you do not eat salads?
R.: (I try really seriously to hold myself when this shit is asked, specially considering that in the last 2 months I dropped weight again to 50, which is putting me again in danger of getting me into depression throughout physical weakness) I do not make diets.

- But if you don't eat salads, who will you get the vitamins? You cannot survive only on meat.
R.: I eat 5 meals per day: Breakfast, mid-day snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack, dinner. 2/5 are warm meals (OMG THE SHOCK IN THEIR EYES. YOU EAT MEAT/ FISH TWO TIMES PER DAY???????). I eat a lot of fruit and, OMG, I eat soup.

- Just take a look around you. All women are eating salads! There has to be a reason for it, don't you think?
R.: Was that a rethorical question? Should I really try to look for an answer for why women in the so-called Civilized World decided to starve themselves to death?

- Aren't you afraid of the Mad Cow Disease/ Suine Pest/ Bird Flue?
R.: No, only of the Cucumber Flue, and the Boiled Carrot Influenza. If I get Mad Cow diseased, at least I die happy thinking of that gorgeous grilled juicy, half bloody steak I hate with those gorgeous fries... and NO SALAD.

I actually think I shock the women in this civilization more with the fact that I hate salads, than the fact that I hate children.

English doubts

helm@sapo.pt — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:27:45 GMT

I haven't spoken English with anyone else but Thomas for a long time. That really doesn't count, because he adopted my accent, my verbal conjugation (as in "I have been having" or "I had done" British English past sentences), and my own errors and mispellings.

Yesterday I was messing around the last moving in boxes and found a little treasure I had forgotten I even owned...

English grammar question:

"First It Giveth then It Taketh away"

What kind of conjugation is this? I find it odd, but I have seen it also in biblical textes...

helm@sapo.pt — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:20:27 GMT

So, I felt like digging into Photoshop again. Maybe its not gorgeous, but was a lot of fun to do it... Done as a birthday present.

Somehow, the music "Everything in its right place" sounds naughty...

EDIT: WFT?????? The image was not pornographic at all o.0 There was no nakedness, and both characters were still wearing trousers... Not that avoids anything, but still...

CENSORSHIP????? I HATE CENSORSHIP!!!!!!

Here is the image again... FUCK YOU PHOTOBUCKET!!!!

Sorry, I am not in a good mood today.

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 08:41:48 GMT

I was looking for Yaoi pictures I had done, to show a friend who by chance also enjoys Yaoi...

I was schocked...

Why did I stop drawing? I actually don't think I made such a bad job with this?

helm@sapo.pt — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 13:01:38 GMT

New picture

Still mad.

We are forbidden to listen to music at work, but as old portuguese say "Patrao fora, trancas à porta". Boss is out.

Greek collegue put Opera out loud... I got my Rammstein out and enjoyed my peaceful corner of heavy music. Gosh, I hate Opera -.-

FFXI Assault Party

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:13:26 GMT

Finished version. I am wondering wether or not to paint it in Photoshop. I am a bit mad because of the 6 people represented here, (though one is me, and a second has not see the drawing yet) I got one single comment. 1/4 is a little too low appreciation. I did it for fun, because I felt like drawing. But I get the feeling that now people EXPECT me to draw, and don't even drop a "looks cool" or a "the tarus don't look very realistic" constructive comment (i would also be happy with an ego constructive comment like "OMG111111!!!!!11"), so I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

Yah, I am a sucker for praise/ confrontation. I need something. I don't mind negative critics. I just don't like the indiference. Makes me sink.

Apart from that I am getting amazed with my own German. I digged out my albums of Rammstein from the depths of my moving in boxes, and was AMAZINGLY SUPRISED that I actually understood not only the writen lyrics, which I found on the CD, but because I inicially actually understood the SANG GERMAN. Ok, the guy has a very clear voice/ accent. Still... Do you have any idea how many years it took me to decipher Depeche Mode lyrics???????

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kncBZfzVDIM

Er ist fromm und sehr sensibel

an seiner Wand ein Bild des Herrn

er wischt die Flecken von der Bibel

das Abendmahl verteilt er gern

Er liebt die Knaben aus dem Chor

sie halten ihre Seelen rein

doch Sorge macht ihm der Tenor

so muss er ihm am nachsten sein

auf seinem Nachttisch still und stumm

ein Bild des Herrn

er dreht es langsam um

Wenn die Turmuhr zweimal schlagt

hallelujah

faltet er die Hande zum Gebet

hallelujah

er ist ohne Weib geblieben

hallelujah

so muss er seinen Nachsten lieben

hallelujah

Der junge Mann darf bei ihm bleiben

die Sunde nistet uberm Bein

so hilft er gern sie auszutreiben

bei Musik und Kerzenschein

Wenn die Turmuhr zweimal schlagt

hallelujah

faltet er die Hande zum Gebet

hallelujah

er ist ohne Weib geblieben

hallelujah

so muss er seinen Nachsten lieben

hallelujah

Wenn die Turmuhr zweimal schlagt

hallelujah

nimmt er den Jungen ins Gebet

hallelujah

er ist der wahre Christ

hallelujah

und wei?, was Nachstenliebe ist

hallelujah

Dreh dich langsam um

dreh dich um

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH

helm@sapo.pt — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:28:05 GMT

It's like the 150th time I hear this song, and it still sends shivers down my spine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Kq6nKuvoY

Work in progress:

helm@sapo.pt — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 09:42:09 GMT

I made a picture. I am so happy.

I am sick as hell, but it feels damn good to have my will to draw again. This one was done to tease someone, and dedicated to Mixx, another yaoi fan. I had a hard time not to make it too visual...

Based on 2 male characters from the Final Fantasy Linkshell I am playing on.

helm@sapo.pt — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 11:49:57 GMT

In 2009, helm resolves to...

Stop painting with rhain.
Get back in contact with some old books.
Buy new computers.
Learn to play the renaissance.
Find a better yaoi.
Give some vampires to charity.

A better yaoi for ALL! Vampire Charity for all! XD

helm@sapo.pt — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:04:15 GMT

So I got a little mad because the naked elvaan looks like this, while the girls are almost naked:

So I made me something in Photoshop and applied it in Game...

helm@sapo.pt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 12:45:28 GMT

I'm on a FFXI drawing spree / german spree... It kinda feels nice to be drawing again, though? I will post the english version as soon as I have one xD

helm@sapo.pt — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 09:00:23 GMT

After 2 years of hiatus, I am slowly recovering my will to draw comics. Little Smycks gave the push, and soon I started getting the will to get into something more complicated...

And I even get to practise my German...

helm@sapo.pt — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 16:56:34 GMT

So, today is the New Years Eve and I am having the lousiest week of the year. Apart from the fact that no one actually is having the decency to talk some english with me (Why bother, I actually speak already some German right) the whole last days was a sum up of this that have left me in the lousiest mood possible.

If I oculd, I'd go into the snow and scream and cry till my throat bled.

Happy new year for you all too...

helm@sapo.pt — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:48:54 GMT

So, on my cereal box (because apparently I eat children's cereals) there is a special notice from the Swiss Police to children, to help them avoid and identify evil adults, pretending to be children, that are out there to annoy/ rape/ kill/ kidnap them.

So, where can I find info from the Swiss Police directed to adult women on how to avoid horny little teenager boys, pretending to be older, that try to pick me up in FFXI as soon as it comes up the fact that I am a woman of the opposite gender?

I have already a stalker list consisting of 3 people... -.-

I dont want to go to prison for pedophily...